My Experiance, Strength and Hope

My name is Crystal Ravenwolf and I am a recovering addict. I say 'recovering' because I belive that in magick as well as life, names hold power. I also belive it is important for me to recognize that I am still an addict even though I am no longer using. Because I need to remember that I am powerless over my drug addiction. So by calling myself a recovering addict, I am aknowledging my powerlessness and not causing any negativity to myself. I have done to much of that in my life. Today I remember that others are not the only ones who hear me when I speak. I hear myself too.

I am also a survivor of sexual and physical abuse. I started using drugs at a very young age to excape the pain of the reality I was living in. My mother was an addict and my stepfather found me more attractive than he did my mother. So at the age of 8 his abuse started. Life was very dark for me and the drugs helped me to remain numb to it all.

I ran away from home when I was 14 yrs old, hopeing to excape the abuse and be free. But what I found was life on the streets was just as hard as life at home. So my using increased and soon I was doing what ever it took to stay loaded. I am not going to go into the details of my street life as those are things I share only with my sponcor and my Goddess. But needless to say, those times left scars that are still healing to this day.

I met my ex-husband when I was 15 and three months later we were married. I thought I had found my way 'out', but what I had done was open myself up to a new nightmare. My husband was physically abusive and once again I turned to drugs to handle it.I did not view my drugs as a curse, but as a means to survive. And I survived for years, never truly living, but surviving.

I used everyday, even when I was carrying my son and my daughter, but I never admitted to myself that I had a problem. After 12 years of marriage my husband tried to murder me when he found out I was carrying another man's child. After that he dissapeared and I've never seen or heard from him again. I gave birth to a little girl and when she was 9 months old I gave her to her father to raise because I could not take care of her. I was too busy getting loaded.

After that, the shame I endured caused a few years of self abuse that would take me to my bottom. It was after my daughter found me in a over dose from heroin that I knew I needed help. I turned to other loving recovering addicts and since that day I have never looked back. I am so grateful today to them. They taught me that I have a choice today in how I live my life. They taught me that I am not a victum unless I choose to be. They taught me that I have self worth by loving me until I could love myself.They taught me that the past only had power if I held on to it through secrets of guilt and shame.

They taught me that if I worked the steps with my sponcor, my life would change. And most importantly, they taught me that I don't have to use today no matter what! And they were right!

Today my life is so different than it was only a few short years ago. I go to meetings where I can share my experience, strength, and hope with other recovering addicts. It is in these meetings that the miricle of recovery first touched me and it is in these meetings where it continues to touch me to this day. I work the steps with my sponcor to the best of my ability. I listen to others and find out how they changed their lives, and take what feels right to me and I leave the rest. They told me I could do that...hhmmm..another choice!

I have a wonderful relationship with my Higher Powers today! I turn to the Goddess in help to get through my day clean and to help me in staying balanced. She has helped me balance my karma and given me back my sence of self. Her love for me is unconditional. I see it in everything around me. I sit in the park and her love jumps out at me in every tree and flower I see. I am so grateful for that!

I am able to be a mother today. Something I never thought I would be able to be. I can have a healthy relationship today without getting lost in my partner, or using my relationship as a means of validating myself worth. I am employable today. I can be trusted today. I can face my past with my head held high and gratitude for the woman it helped me to become. These are gifts given to me on a daily basis as long as I choose not to pick up.

I love being clean today. I enjoy life and all the magickal awakenings I have recieved. I love being able to help others like me and know that it is hope that keeps me coming back. My life may not be perfect today, but it is so much more than I had ever hoped it could be. And I know that as long as I don't use and I keep working the steps, my life's journey will continue to grow and Change. I am grateful and with the grace of the Goddess I know that my hope will stay alive, one day at a time.



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